One of the hardest things for me to do is let people in. My thoughts are mine and mine only. I’ll do what I want, when I want and where ever I want….. This is what I thought growing up as a little kid. Don’t listen to anyone, break the rules and do what ever I want, when I want, where ever I want…..all just to fit in. You see, I cared so much about what people thought of me and how they would look at me. I lied, I stole, I drank and did drugs just to be cool. Never thinking that it was all to mask the fact that I had social anxiety and lacked self confidence.
When I was high or drunk, I had so much courage and felt like I was on top of the world!! I belittled people thinking I was better than, feeding my pride and ego. I hurt a lot of people who really cared for me. But I didn’t care, I kept on going on for years.
I thought to myself, Im OK, I am in control, I only party on the weekends, I’m not hurting any one but myself. Unfortunately I destroyed relationships, gave my parents anxiety and turned my back on friends and family.
In my 20s depression and anxiety starts to kick in. My life became unmanageable and yet I continued on like there was nothing wrong. I had just ruined my relationship in the worse way possible, lashing out and saying some extremely hurtful words. I decided it was time to leave earth. I had several attempts at suicide before but finally this was going to be the one. Such a selfish act. Sad thing is, suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else and thats exactly what I did…I was in the hospital bed, in a coma, I remember opening my eyes, unable to move or talk…i just watched as my mom, dad, best friend and even my ex was at the side of the bed crying. I put them in so much pain as I lay lifeless on the bed. When I finally came to, my arms were tied to the bed, I had a tube down my throat and I kept hearing the nurse say “you keep breathing, don’t you stop!”
I was released on the condition I got help…. When I got home that night, my dad wanted to sleep on the couch next to my bed, I said "no dad, I’m ok". Not thinking that he had almost lost his son and just wanted to be close to me and yet I still pushed him away. My selfish ways remain this time taking advantage of work, taking time off to get help. Weeks later, during my time off, I was back out drinking and partying again. Insanity….I continued in my old ways, seeking comfort in women, drinking and taking drugs at home, isolating, suppressing my pain deeper and deeper. Everyone but me saw how destructive I was but again…I did what I want, when I want, wherever I wanted and NO ONE could tell me otherwise!
Now in another relationship, we decided to have a baby together. My life was about to change, for better and for worse. September 23, 2012, my first child, my daughter was born and on December 29, 2012, I lost my mother to a long hard fought battle against Colon Cancer.
Although I was lucky to quit drugging and was now less destructive, I still drank to hide my pain. After about a year my selfish behaviour continued my relationship turned extremely toxic. More lies, deception and pain caused to my family and friends, robbing from Peter to pay Paul. I was still a people pleaser. I thought I had to do in order for everyone to like me. When everything came around full circle, I couldn't keep up with my lies, guilt and shame became my everyday life, waking up with constant anxiety…I was unable to give or receive love.
I finally decided it was time to lay down my sword and get some help. I checked into a recovery home. Full of anxiety, worrying about judgment and not knowing what to expect from the others around me. I quickly found out that everyone there was the same, we were all broken, in pain and ready to surrender. I went my whole life thinking, alone in my head, truly believing that no one would understand me. Yet, everyone there did, similar stories different people. I learned to be me again! I learned to put others before me, be accountable and to feel emotions. I built a bond with the fellowship that surrounded us. I learned to work through my problems and not around them. Today I live free, starting a new chapter moving forward in a life of sobriety and spirituality. No more hiding my pain anymore. I confide in others and help those who struggle with the same problems I once had. My mistakes were made, but one day at a time I will live with peace, love, joy and happiness.